"The Complete Idiot's Guide to A Healthy Relationship"
I have been reading the book "The Complete Idiot's Guide to A Healthy Relationship" and it is very enlightening. I am so glad I am reading it... It has helped me realize some things...
Signs of an unhealthy relationship –
] You feel insecure and weak around each other (and in your lives)
] You suffer from low self-esteem as a result of what happens between you two
] You are dishonest with each other
] You spend more time feeling hurt than feeling good about how you treat each other
] You find yourselves complaining to others about your relationship
] You are unable to talk about your feelings or problems with you mate, much less SOLVE THEM
] You are unable to resolve your differences together
] You become unenthusiastic about life because of what goes on between you
] Your trust is broken
] Seemingly small things erode your relationship
] Priorities other than each other constantly present themselves
] What goes on between you interferes with other aspects of your lives
The author states over and over that the number one, most important quality of a lasting relationship (that others have said throughout her years of experience) is HONESTY. Trust is essential. Everything else falls apart too, if trust is not present in the relationship.
A healthy relationship should have all of these qualities:
] Harmony: complementing qualities that create a harmonious duet together
] Heart: nourishing each other
] Honor: holding each other in high esteem, considering each otherÕs needs, respecting each other, believing in each otherÕs souls and appreciating each other beyond the physical body
] Healing: a true love partner becomes a HAVEN from the hurts of the past, while providing a new positive example of how nurturing love can be
] Hot: a healthy sexual connection
] Empathy: being able to feel what each other feels
] Equality: respecting the fact that YOU BOTH COUNT
] Energetics: your interactions should feel like well-oiled and perfectly fitting gears that work together
] Enthusiasm: excitement about being together
] Empowerment: supporting each other to feel effective
] Accommodation: making adjustments for each otherÕs needs
] Appreciation: being responsive and grateful for each other
] Adaptability: being able to make changes when necessary to improve your relationship
] Agreements: making and KEEPING agreements is essential for trust in a relationship
] Love: cherishing each other and holding one another dear. Love should be unconditional, meaning it does not waver depending on what you look like, earn, DO OR SAY.
] Loyalty: DEVOTED UNQUESTIONINGLY TO EACH OTHER, knowing you would not betray each other
] Listening: paying attention to what each other says
] Time together – WITHOUT DISTRACTION
] Tenderness: treating each other with kindness
] Thoughtfulness: being understanding, showing consideration in thoughts and deeds
Similar lifestyle preferences, career and family priorities, ideas about child-rearing, shared values, sexual energy and compatibility, honesty and mutual respect, time spent together, shared view of life
Matched self-ratings of attractiveness and social status, emotional stability, agreeableness, likelihood of having healthier, more attractive offspring, finances .
When agreements are broken, it is crucial to ACKNOWLEDGE THAT AND MAKE NEW AGREEMENTS
Sometimes you should agree to disagree ... Disagreements are not automatically unhealthy in a relationship. They can be a way of CONSIDERING YOUR OPINIONS, CREATING NEW OPTIONS, EXPANDING YOUR COLLECTIVE AND INDIVIDUAL VISION, and testing your ABILITY TO COMPROMISE. Healthy disagreements can lead to RESOLUTIONS that make you FEEL MORE RESOLVED ABOUT STAYING TOGETHER.
Healthy love partners become MORE OF WHO THEY ARE with the other person. They realize their potential.
Ever watch or play baseball, or any team sport? The team members know where the other team members are on the field. They look out for each other. They cover for each other and rush in to pick up the slack if a teammate is out of action for some reason. Each depends on the other to do his or her job well for the good of all. TheyÕre even ready to beat up anyone who attacks one of their teammates. IÕm not advocating violence, but I am recommending a fierce sense of loyalty toward your partner. Think of you and your partner as a team, working in tandem to reach a goal. Working toward a common goal facilitates closeness and helps you better appreciate each otherÕs good qualities. The best goal of all is a healthy and happy life together. ******** See Below
The ten commandments of a healthy relationship:
1. I will do my best to be the happiest person I can be.
2. I will be honest in my dealings with my partner.
3. I will keep my agreements.
4. I will have integrity about my actions.
5. I will honor the person I am in a relationship with.
6. I will practice forgiveness for myself and others.
7. I will nurture my spiritual soul and that of others.
8. I will accept others for who they are without judging them or insisting they change to suit me.
9. I will be open to suggestions and change when it is in the best interests for both of us.
10. I will trust in the powers that be that what happens is for the best.
The 8 dimensions of new millenium health.
1. a sound, healthy body
2. a healthy mind
3. emotional health
4. the ability to extend your love to your social environment (your extended family who nurture you)
5. having a healthy lifestyle
6. healthy sexuality
7. spiritual connection
8. technological connection
Any time you protest that you donÕt have the love you want in your relationship, consider how you create the blocks. Perhaps you are not really ready to receive the love you say you want. When you see the deep love you want, you can be frightened and push it away. The mixture of deep feelings – of joy at getting what you want, fear of not getting it, and pain from not having it in the past – can be overwhelming. It takes courage to stick with this and truly see that what you want is really there for you to have. But persistence is the way to truly healthy love that adds the extra dimension of spirit to your love.
Arguments, anger, and resentment fade from interefering with your love when you practice compassion, the deepest empathy for one another.
The deepest spiritual connection can happen when all other dimensions unite (physical, mental, emotional, practical, social, sexual). Doing this is an exciting, though challenging, journey that is best accomplished by a conscious practice in the same way as practice and mental focus make you good at a particular sport, playing a musical instrument, learning a new skill or hobby.
Maintaining politeness fosters positive feelings in a couple, especially over the long—term.
Definition of cheating: If the INTENTION is there to have body contact with another person, other than your partner, then the interaction is explicit, and the energy was diverted from your partner makes the experience explicit. (page 42) AND THAT IS JUST AS I DEFINE IT ODDLY!!!!!!!!!
Turn off all machines, during your time together, signaling the sanctity of your time together.
QUESTIONS: How do I know I really love her? How can I be sure sheÕs the one? How do I know love will last this time? ANSWER: What do you MEAN by the word ŌloveĶ? You have to know what the word love is for you before you can begin to know if your partner could be Ōthe one.Ķ Then, for relationships to work, your concepts of love should coincide, even though they donÕt always have to be identical.
Knowing you are loved gives you confidence to conquer fears and to reach new heights in the world. Most of the pains and problems we experience can be traced to a lack of love. The love that exists is the love you create; it is always inside you regardless of whether you have a mate.
Real love develops over time. Because often unconsciously, we base our decisions on love myths, we commit to a partner because the sex is great or the attraction is immediate. As a result, sometimes we ignore warning signals of trouble ahead – often serious trouble, like dishonesty, infidelity, addictions or abuse – because we believe our love can make them disappear. Or we waste time and energy PINING FOR OUR ONE TRUE LOVE WHO LOVES US FAR LESS THAT WE DO THEM because we want the ideal so badly. In other words, we WASTE OUR TIME IN DEAD-END RELATIONSHIPS. That is NOT what creates a long lasting relationship.
When the author counsel couples, he/she recommends these 5 requirements of real love:
1. Real love develops from being with a person over time.
2. Real love requires sharing and supporting one another through happy and sad times.
3. Real love requires a combination of using your right brain (emotional feelings about a person) and your left brain (your logic about whether you are right for each other), physical attraction, and an intuitive sense of being right for one another.
4. Real love requires QUIETING expectations and romantic images of how it SHOULD BE.
5. Real love requires being tuned in to the person, not wanting to be in love so desperately that you simply cast anybody for the role.
True Love Test
] The thoughtfulness test: Do you do special things for each other that show you KNOW AND APPRECIATE YOUR MATEÕS INTERESTS and characteristics? If she is an artist and he isnÕt, get her art supplies, or tickets to a play that reflects that you know how interested she is in the theatre. Gifts should be FOR SOMEONE, not just FROM YOU.
] The Unconditional Love Test: Would you love me ifÉ DonÕt be afraid to ask it.
] The Security Test: When you are apart, do you trust your partnerÕs care and faithfulness or do you live in fear and uncertainty? The latter is UNHEALTHY.
] The Mood Barometer Test: Do you FEEL GOOD AROUND YOUR MATE (peaceful, alive, excited) or pained (WORRIED, NEGATIVE, BICKERING, THREATENED, CRITICIZED, DEPRESSED)? Life has enough emotional stress WITHOUT SUFFERING FROM A MATE.
] The HONESTY Test: Can you speak openly, or do you have to conceal your thoughts and actions? Telling the truth is KEY TO FEELING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF and CREATING A SAFE, OPEN, NURTURING AND TRUSTING RELATIONSHIP.
] The Consideration Test: DOES HE RESPOND WHEN YOU MAKE A REQUEST THAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO YOU even if it seems unreasonable in his view? NO, HE DOES NOT. Sometimes lovers need proof of their devotion in order to maintain TRUST and to feel they are LOVED.
] The Compatibility Test: Do you have similar values about life and attitudes about your lifestyle, including the role and importance of family, friends, children, work and sex? Couples can have independent interests from time to time, as long as the overlap is mutually agreeable and satisfying.
] The Communication Test: Can you share your deepest fears and dreams and feel HEARD, UNERSTOOD, and appreciated? Talking together is KEY to a good relationship.
] The Commitment Test: Do you both have a strong desire to make the relationship last and to WORK OUT YOUR DISAGREEMENTS, despite the normal stresses and strains that life brings?
FOR ME WRITTEN BY ME -
GOAL: consistent easy-going enjoyable companionship
HANGING OUT TOGETHER W/FRIENDS and family, shows that it is actually a relationship and not just a mirage. The other half of the couple doesn't pretend to be single, flirt with, hit on, check out, etc others, then pretend to be in love!
BIGGEST NO-NO IN MY BOOK:
LYING IS THE WORST THING ANYONE COULD DO TO ANOTHER PERSON. IT IS WORSE THAN CHEATING BECAUSE, the other person's choices are stolen from them, so that they are manipulated into making choices based on lies, one-sided toward the liar's benefit. That is a form of abuse. We are who we are. It's that simple. Be true to yourself and others. Trust is EARNED through consistent good behavior.
When 2 adults date after lifetimes of living separate lives, people should EXPECT it to be hard. Unity takes time, trial & error to build a strong foundation.We SHOULD be able to hold each other when storms come remaining strong as a steadfast TEAM.
As a team,we should practice -
I'm careful who I let into my inner circle = I CHECK REFERENCES. People offer resumes, legal documents, and blood testing to go to work for someone, but not to be intimate! That's insane. I check references and expect to know everything I SHOULD know about the man I give my time, my trust, and eventually my heart and then MYSELF to. I DO come with EXCELLENT references.
We should make each other feel sexy and compliment each other, build each other up, so that we can conquer the world.