CHEATING
Cheating starts off innocent
more often than not. 66% of men cheat with a co-worker 46% of women cheat with
a co-worker. Half of those men said they were happily married. 75% of affair
marriages get divorced.
Here is an example of how a
person could be perfectly faithful and love their partner and still end up
cheating.
Example:
You see a new person at
work. The person is attractive. You notice, but you donŐt really think about
it. You continue on with your day.
A few days later you see
this person in the break room. A conversation is already in progress, so you
two exchange a few words of courtesy and during the group conversation you
learn that their name is Z.
Week later, you are out at a
work lunch and there is a big group from work there. Z is there. You two talk a little more over lunch, while
everyone is talking in a perfectly acceptable group from work environment.
Then, you bump into Z
outside the bathroom one day and say hi to each other.
Next week you and Z have
some work related reason to talk that is part of your job.
Break room conversations and
seeing each other around the office is pretty regular.
Another work lunch and you
two end up talking again. Now you two are becoming work friends. Work friends
are ok. There is nothing wrong with that. WeŐre just talking.
Then, youŐre just flirting.
WeŐre friends. I can have a friend. ThereŐs nothing wrong with that.
One day, Z is moving and
some folks from work are going to help out. You help too. You and Z
accidentally brush up against each other while moving stuff in and out of ZŐs
home.
Next you and Z still see
each other at work every day and on work lunches. You are chummy. ZŐs cool and
fun. You like the way you feel around Z. You two talk sometimes. ThereŐs
nothing wrong with that.
You and Z go to lunch a few
times, hang out a few times, you help Z with something a ZŐs new place. You and
Z talk. YouŐre friends. ItŐs ok to be friends. ThereŐs nothing wrong with that.
You and your mate arenŐt
getting along so well. You and Z get along great. You feel more connected to Z
than to your mate anyway. All it takes is one moment to kiss. All it takes is
one moment of weakness to give in to your desires. And all the opportunity,
attraction and connection is already there. Then, you say, ŇOh my God, how did
this happen?!!! I didnŐt mean for it to happen. I didnŐt plan this. It just
sort of happened. Oh my, what am I gonna do now? I canŐt believe I cheated.Ó
And that is how cheating
happens most often. So, how did it happen? What caused the cheating? Your way
of thinking is what caused it. You wanted it to happen. You made it happen. You
let it happen. We all want to think we deserve certain rewards for being who we
are. Afterall, I am a good person, desirable, sexy, good enough, and not doing
anything wrong. The problem is that you took the focus off your goal and put it
on something else. Your goal is being good enough, being a good person, being
happy, having a good relationship, but you got sidetracked when you met this
person because it felt good. You let moments overtake everything else in your
life. Now all you can focus on is how you ruined your perfect record. People
who cheat are simply people who forgot why NOT to cheat at the moments it
matters most. Justifying it to yourself as you go is how you got there because
you lower your tolerance for your behaviors. Pushing the line, going right up
to the line, then crossing the line.
Having moments with someone
you would want to be with if you were single IS cheating. ItŐs not just about
the sex. And in fact, your mate is more upset about the moments and the
connections you made than the sex. We all feel urges to have sex at one point
or another so we can excuse that in our head because we can understand it. What
a victim of cheating canŐt seem to get over is the moments they have floating
around in their head of you two together. Those are moments stolen from your
partner and given to someone else. And that is the devastating part of being
cheated on. Taking focus away from your partner causes cheating. Being around
people you are attracted to alone, no matter what is nothing more that an
opportunity to cheat.
HOW CAN YOU HEAL FROM BEING
CHEATED ON
Wrap yourself up in a big
fluffy blanket and eat ice cream! Well, after that you will just feel fat and
depressed, so that is probably not the most constructive way to heal yourself
from being cheated on.
Here are some other ideas:
Get involved in local
groups, with friends, make new friends separate from the cheater, create
experiences in your life that you can be excited about looking forward to, and
live the life you have always dreamed of, starting today.
Go to healing classes and
healing workshops and people who do healings. Read about healing and do the
work to heal your life. Change your way of thinking, and become a better person
for your future, so that you can have healthier and happier relationships.
Focus on YOU, not on the cheater.
Go to counseling, talk to
people, talk to your friends and family. Get the thoughts and feelings out of
your system in whatever ways come naturally for you, in healthy and
constructive ways. Build yourself back up.
It is absolutely imperative
that you separate yourself from that person as much as possible. You donŐt have
to make any permament decisions right away, but you do need time to heal and
think about your future.
Do not bury yourself into
just one thing, like work, or endlessly talking or one hobby. Becoming
obsessive in one area of your life is not healthy. Focus on going through the
steps of this workshop, even if you did it before. Use the tools specifically
for what is going on in your life at that time.
If you choose to even think
about staying with your mate, you need to think about the situation logically
to decide if you honestly believe it is a one-time freak incident. Also, if you
actually caught this person in bed with someone else, then it is much harder to
make the relationship work afterward because you will always remember that
image.