If you are in
danger call 911, please use a safer computer, call your local hotline, or the
U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or TTY
1-800-787-3224.
This is the Abuse Information Page 2.
Relationship Quiz
How is your relationship?
Does your partner:
¥ Embarrass you with bad
names and put-downs?
¥ Look at you or act in
ways that scare you?
¥ Control what you do,
who you see or talk to, or where you go?
¥ Stop you from seeing
or talking to friends or family?
¥ Take your money or
Social Security, make you ask for money, or refuse to give you money?
¥ Tell you you're a bad
parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
¥ Make all the
decisions?
¥ Act like the abuse is
no big deal, it's your fault, or even deny doing it?
¥ Destroy your property
or threaten to kill your pets?
¥ Intimidate you with
guns, knives, or other weapons?
¥ Shove you, slap you,
or hit you?
¥ Force you to drop
charges?
¥ Threaten to commit
suicide?
¥ Threaten to kill you?
If you checked even one, you may be in an abusive
relationship.
If you need to
talk, call us: (602) 279-2900 or (800) 782-6400
Types of Abuse
When the general public thinks about domestic violence, they
usually think in terms of physical assault that results in visible injuries to
the victim. This is only one type of abuse. There are several categories of
abusive behavior, each of which has its own devastating consequences. Lethality
involved with physical abuse may place the victim at higher risk, but the long
term destruction of personhood that accompanies the other forms of abuse is
significant and cannot be minimized.
CONTROL
Controlling behavior is a way for the batterer to maintain his
dominance over the victim. Controlling behavior, the belief that he is
justified in the controlling behavior, and the resultant abuse is the core
issue in abuse of women. It is often subtle, almost always insidious, and
pervasive. This may include but is not limited to:
¥ Checking the mileage
on the odometer following her use of the car.
¥ Monitoring phone
calls, using caller ID or other number monitoring devises, not allowing her to
make or receive phone calls.
¥ Not allowing her
freedom of choice in terms of clothing styles, makeup or hairstyle. This may
include forcing her to dress more seductively or more conservatively than she
is comfortable.
¥ Calling or coming home
unexpectedly to check up on her. This may initially start as what appears to be
a loving gesture, but becomes a sign of jealousy or possessiveness.
¥ Invading her privacy
by not allowing her time and space of her own.
¥ Forcing or encouraging
her dependency by making her believe that she is incapable of surviving or
performing simple tasks without the batterer or on her own.
¥ Using the children to
control the mother by using the children as spies, threatening to kill, hurt or
kidnap the children, physical and/or sexual abuse of the children, and threats
to call Child Protective Services if the mother leaves the
relationship.K/li>
PHYSICAL ABUSE
According to the AMEND Workbook for Ending Violent Behavior,
physical abuse is any physically aggressive behavior, withholding of physical
needs, indirect physically harmful behavior, or threat of physical abuse. This
may include but is not limited to:
¥ Hitting, kicking,
biting, slapping, shaking, pushing, pulling, punching, choking, beating,
scratching, pinching, pulling hair, stabbing, shooting, drowning, burning,
hitting with an object, threatening with a weapon, or threatening to physically
assault.
¥ Withholding of
physical needs including interruption of sleep or meals, denying money, food,
transportation, or help if sick or injured, locking victim into or out of the
house, refusing to give or rationing necessities.
¥ Abusing, injuring, or
threatening to injure others like children, pets, or special property.
¥ Forcible physical
restraint against her will, being trapped in a room or having her exit blocked,
being held down.
¥ The batterer hitting
or kicking walls, doors, or other inanimate objects during an argument,
throwing things in anger,destruction of property.
¥ Holding the victim
hostage.
SEXUAL ABUSE
Sexual abuse is using sex in an exploitative fashion or forcing
sex on another person. Having consented to sexual activity in the past does not
indicate current consent. Sexual abuse may involve both verbal and physical
behavior. This may include, but is not limited to:
¥ Using force, coercion,
guilt, or manipulation or not considering the victim's desire to have sex. This
may include making her have sex with others, have unwanted sexual experiences,
or be involuntarily involved in prostitution.
¥ Exploiting a victim
who is unable to make an informed decision about involvement in sexual activity
because of being asleep, intoxicated, drugged, disabled, too young, too old, or
dependent upon or afraid of the perpetrator.
¥ Laughing or making fun
of another's sexuality or body, making offensive statements, insulting, or
name-calling in relation to the victim's sexual preferences/behavior.
¥ Making contact with
the victim in any nonconsensual way, including unwanted penetration (oral, anal
or vaginal) or touching (stroking, kissing, licking, sucking or using objects)
on any part of the victim's body.
¥ Exhibiting excessive
jealousy resulting in false accusations of infidelity and controlling behaviors
to limit the victim's contact with the outside world.
¥ Having affairs with
other people and using that information to taunt the victim.
¥ Withholding sex from
the victim as a control mechanism.
EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND INTIMIDATION
According to the AMEND Workbook for Ending Violent Behavior,
emotional abuse is any behavior that exploits anther's vulnerability,
insecurity, or character. Such behaviors include continuous degradation,
intimidation, manipulation, brainwashing, or control of another to the
detriment of the individual(AMEND 3). This may include but is not limited to:
¥ Insulting or
criticizing to undermine the victim's self-confidence. This includes public
humiliation, as well as actual or threatened rejection.
¥ Threatening or
accusing, either directly or indirectly, with intention to cause emotional or
physical harm or loss. For instance, threatening to kill the victim or himself,
or both.
¥ Using reality
distorting statements or behaviors that create confusion and insecurity in the
victim like saying one thing and doing another, stating untrue facts as truth,
and neglecting to follow through on stated intentions. This can include denying
the abuse occurred and/or telling the victim she is making up the abuse. It
might also include crazy making behaviors like hiding the victim's keys and
berating her for losing them.
¥ Consistently
disregarding, ignoring, or neglecting the victim's requests and needs.
¥ Using actions,
statements or gestures that attack the victim's self-esteem and self-worth with
the intention to humiliate.
¥ Telling the victim
that she is mentally unstable or incompetent.
¥ Forcing the victim to
take drugs or alcohol.
¥ Not allowing the
victim to practice her religious beliefs, isolating her from the religious
community, or using religion as an excuse for abuse.
¥ Using any form of
coercion or manipulation which is disempowering to the victim.
ISOLATION
Isolation is a form of abuse often closely connected to
controlling behaviors. It is not an isolated behavior, but the outcome of many
kinds of abusive behaviors. By keeping her from seeing who she wants to see,
doing what she wants to do, setting and meeting goals, and controlling how she
thinks and feels, he is isolating her from the resources (personal and public)
which may help her to leave the relationship. By keeping the victim socially
isolated the batterer is keeping her from contact with the world which might
not reinforce his perceptions and beliefs. Isolation often begins as an
expression of his love for her with statements like if you really loved me you
would want to spend time with me, not your family. As it progresses, the
isolation expands, limiting or excluding her contact with anyone but the
batterer. Eventually, she is left totally alone and without the internal and
external resources to change her life.
Some victims isolate themselves from existing resources and
support systems because of the shame of bruises or other injuries, his behavior
in public, or his treatment of friends or family. Self-isolation may also
develop from fear of public humiliation or from fear of harm to herself or
others. The victim may also feel guilty for the abuser's behavior, the
condition of the relationship, or a myriad of other reasons, depending on the
messages received from the abuser.
VERBAL ABUSE: COERCION, THREATS, and BLAMING
Verbal abuse is any abusive language used to denigrate,
embarrass or threaten the victim. This may include but is not limited to:
¥ Threatening to hurt or
kill the victim or her children, family, pets, property or reputation.
¥ Name calling ('ugly',
'bitch', 'whore', or 'stupid')
¥ Telling victim she is
unattractive or undesirable.
¥ Yelling, screaming,
rampaging, terrorizing or refusing to talk
USING MALE PRIVILEGE
As long as we as a culture accept the principle and privilege
of male dominance, men will continue to be abusive. As long as we as a culture
accept and tolerate violence against women, men will continue to be abusive.
According to Barbara Hart in Safety for Women: Monitoring
Batterers' Programs:
All men benefit from the violence of batterers. There is no man
who has not enjoyed the male privilege resulting from male domination
reinforced by the use of physical violence . . . All women suffer as a
consequence of men's violence. Battering by individual men keeps all women in
line. While not every woman has experienced violence, there is no woman in this
society who has not feared it, restricting her activities and her freedom to
avoid it. Women are always watchful knowing that they may be the arbitrary victims
of male violence. Only the elimination of sexism, the end of cultural supports
for violence, and the adoption of a system of beliefs and values embracing
equality and mutuality in intimate relationships will end men's violence
against women.
Domestic violence is about power and control. A feminist
analysis of woman battering rejects theories that attribute the causes of
violence to family dysfunction, inadequate communications skills, women's
provocation, stress, chemical dependency, lack of spiritual relationship to a
deity, economic hardship, class practices, racial/ethnic tolerance, or other
factors. These issues may be associated with battering of women, but they do
not cause it. Removing these factors will not end men's violence against women.
Batterers behave abusively to control their partner's behavior,
thereby achieving and maintaining power over their partners and getting their
own needs and desires met quickly and completely. There are also many secondary
benefits of violence to the batterer. A batterer may choose to be violent
because he finds it fun to terrorize his partner, because there is a release of
tension in the act of assault, because it demonstrates manhood, or because
violence is erotic for him. Violence is a learned behavior and batterers choose
to use violence. The victim is not part of the problem. The victim may accept
responsibility for causing the batterer to lose their temper,” but the truth
is, the abuser must be held accountable for his behavior.
Four widespread cultural conditions allow and encourage men to
abuse women. These are:
¥ Objectification of
women and the belief that women exist for the 'satisfaction of men's personal,
sexual, emotional and physical needs'.
¥ An entitlement to male
authority with a right and obligation to control, coerce, and/or punish her
independence.
¥ That the use of
physical force is acceptable, appropriate, and effective.
¥ Societal support for
his dominance, controlling and assaultive behavior. By failing to intervene
aggressively against the abuse, the culture condones the violence.
ECONOMIC ABUSE
Financial abuse is a way to control the victim through
manipulation of economic resources. This may include, but is not limited to:
¥ Controlling the family
income and either not allowing the victim access to money or rigidly limiting
her access to family funds. This may also include keeping financial secrets or
hidden accounts, putting the victim on an allowance or allowing her no say in
how money is spent, or making her turn her paycheck over to him.
¥ Causing the victim to
lose a job or preventing her from taking a job. He can make her lose her job by
making her late for work, refusing to provide transportation to work, or by
calling/harassing/calling her at work.
¥ Spending money for
necessities (food, rent, utilities) on nonessential items (drugs, alcohol,
stereo equipment, hobbies.)
Material
from Women's Center and Shelter of Greater Pittsburgh Volunteer Training
Manual, AMEND, and the AzCADV safety plain Manual were used to develop this
section.
More
information is available on this site, the best site I have found for
information on abuse. http://www.azcadv.org/helping-a-dv-victim/identifying-domestic-violence/types-of-abuse/power-and-control-wh/top
As a victim
of abuse myself, I can explain how each of the different types of abuse feels
and what it does to a personÕs life first hand. I was physically and
emotionally abused as a child. I was sexually abused by two exes. I was
emotionally abused, isolated, verbally abused and controlled in various
different ways by more than one ex. I have empathy for anyone who has or is
going through such traumatic experiences. It is a horrible experience and it
affects every aspect of your life when you are abused.
Physical abuse is anything from slapping to grabbing to outright punching and anything in between. It is assault on someone you know. With all the laws we have now to protect people from abuse, physical abuse is a felony that can be punishable by up to many years in prison. The worse thing about physical abuse is not the bruises or the stitches or the actual injuries because your body heals. It is the internal damages is causes. You want to believe that people are fundamentally good. You may even love the person who hurts you. You are emotionally involved and attached to that person. You want the violence to stop, but you may not want the relationship to stop, and if it is a parent or a spouse, maybe you canÕt even distance yourself from that person. But the longer the abusive behavior goes on, the worse it gets and the harder it is to leave.
Some people I have talked to havenÕt been in physically abusive relationships and havenÕt been physically abused by their parents, and those people express that they donÕt understand why anyone would stay. They seem to sort of blame the victim for staying. It is understandable that someone who hasnÕt experienced something wouldnÕt understand it.
However, people who have been in abusive relationships do understand these phases, feelings and attachments. If you are currently involved with an abusive person, you DO have options, choices, and an alternative to being hurt and feeling unhappy. You have the choice to seek appropriate friendships with healthy people and to surround yourself with good people that enhance your life in positive ways. But you are the only person who can take that step toward a better tomorrow.
Do NOT let things get so bad that surreal negative things happen which automatically change your life in ways that you will later wish never happened!!! Make good choices RIGHT NOW - TODAY and tomorrow's experiences WILL be better.
Go to the next page of information on abuse >> THIS INFO IS NOT ONLINE YET. IT WILL BE ADVICE AND ACTION PLANS TO IMPROVE YOUR SITUATION. FOR NOW, PLEEEEEASE CALL THIS NUMBER AND GET HELP IMMEDIATELY. IT WILL BE THE BEST CALL YOU'LL EVER MAKE.
If you are in
danger, please use a safer computer, or call 911, your local hotline, or the
U.S. National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or TTY
1-800-787-3224.
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